Pages: On Constant Panic

My first missive was on the subject of creating and sustaining momentum in my life. I posted that on February 3rd, 2023, 19 days before I was laid off from my job of 6 years. It was a huge shock, not only because I was one of the more senior members of my team, but because I thought I was always going to be employed somehow, and that I would never had a period of extended “looking around.”

I was wrong.

I tried working a little bit after I was laid off (technically I was “fired” but the language helped secure me severance, which was welcome) but I found that I simply couldn’t jump back into something straight away. I told a close friend it was like swiping on Bumble profiles through a veil of tears immediately after a breakup. This was when I felt that constant panic start rising in my body, and I knew I needed to take some time.

Helped by my severance, I was granted this extraordinary gift of time off to think about my next move. But every time I would start to think about it, I would start to panic.

Would there be any work for me? Would I be able to replace - or in my case enhance - the salary I was making somewhere else? Can I freelance? Will I be able to live in my chosen city or be pushed out by rising costs?

Dear reader, it was a trip. So instead I mostly turned my brain off, waiting for a time that perhaps I could start thinking about these things without going down an existential hole of panic and self-doubt.

Anyway this was going to be a long post but really I’m just freaking out internally all the time and I can’t shake this feeling that I’ll be staring at the bottom of a hole after my severance is done and I’m fucked.